genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
