yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
