about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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