you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
