i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
