just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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