I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
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