all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
