he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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