So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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