i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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