At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
