guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
