just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
