I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
