we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
