Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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