He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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