Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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