he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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