would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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