he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
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On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
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My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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