I faked an abortion last night.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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