Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
