I am puke
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
