Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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