My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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