Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
