Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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