I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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