Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
