My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
