We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
