They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
