i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
