Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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