dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
the raccoons are back...
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