I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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