i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
