my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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