I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
did i walk over a car last night?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
