a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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