I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
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He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
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her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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