Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
