I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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