I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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