We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
