i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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