Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
