God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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