Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
