matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
