God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
