fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
