I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
