I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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