All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
